Afraid to fly?

Or could this be

a welcome flight,

a time for me

to hear, to see, to feel my wings

brush gently round the inner things.

Yes, here I am, now unafraid,

trusting in the marks I’ve made,

going where, I cannot see,

but moving

through,

and breaking free.

Adapted from “Too Tired to Write” (January 21, 1989)

The process of creating the paintings in this series of meditations helped me through a particularly difficult period of adjustment in my life. This next piece was the last of the series to be completed before proceeding with the written work of Creating Recovery. Entitled “Teaching Me to Fly”, it represents a relatively small, yet profound and deeply personal healing that took place as I painted.

For years I dreamt of having a manuscript published, but was afraid of what might happen if I put myself out there. I’ve also been afraid of flying. Even in my dreams.

When I glimpsed the potential for a flying figure in the first wash of Teaching Me to Fly I resisted the image, tried to imagine something different, and when I couldn’t, avoided the painting for weeks. In the end, I knew I had to go with it.

As the figure in the painting came to life, I realized that she was my affirmation of freedom. She was me. Exposed. Vulnerable. Still, very much alive. Arm outstretched, palm up, I am reaching, surrendering, and in forward motion. I have a wing! This is what I’d glimpsed in my mind’s eye. But only when I decided to move with it, bring it to light, and became willing to share it, did I really see. In my own way, I was flying.

My wish is for you to claim your freedom. Bring to light the life that waits in that small, dark corner of your imagination. Even if the very thought makes you tremble. Hear, see, feel your wings. Create your recovery, and be free.

I might only be flying with one wing yet, but I’m flying.

I   am   flying!